Somebody I used to know would describe it this way; “You’ve got to clean up your messes.”
I recently stumbled upon a bunch of posts I had written for my old company’s blog. We had this clever idea that women would love to read straight men’s deconstruction of the wacky, weird world of love and relationships. It seemed like a good idea at the time, as many ill-fated decisions do.
My personal existence was pretty dismal then. I was otherwise unemployed, working and writing for my startup company, trying to find myself, trying to find something to hold on to that wouldn’t let me fall into the mental health abyss.
When I read the words I wrote years ago, I am instantly transported back to that bad place. But time heals, and not only was it okay to read the words, but I’m going to share a few of them with you. Had I followed my advice, I would have climbed out of the emotional swamp and got on with life a lot faster. But truth has a way of being invisible when our eyes don’t want to see it.
My vision is much clearer now.
Enjoy the blurbs below, then get it together. Our personal lives are what prevent us from finding career successes. We’ve all got a mess or two to clean up.
There are these two old folks, husband and wife, who roll into Nelly’s Organic Coffee shop in Oakland every morning. They read the paper together, and greet people entering the cafe with big smiles. You can just tell by looking at them – they are a team, they are totally in love.
I asked them today how long they had been married.
She looked at him, then at me: “2 years…”
He said, “I finally got it right.”
He holds her hand.
Overheard today in a clothing store:
“During a really hard time during his illness when I was really upset about losing him I said,
“I know who I am when I am with you, but, I don’t know who I am without you.”
He looked at me and said ”Who you are is more than enough.”
Some women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been “good girls” all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they’re intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.
How do these relationships usually turn out? In a word, poorly.
That’s because bad boys won’t change unless they want to—no matter how long-suffering their partner might be. Further, despite initial attraction, most women get tired of bailing a man out of jail, wondering if he’ll make it home from a party, or catching him with another woman. Women who sign on with bad boys enlist for endless conflict and turmoil. Ironically, the very thing that draws good girls and bad boys together is usually their undoing. Many women have learned the hard way that bad boys make bad dating partners–and even worse spouses.
The urge to redo the father-daughter relationship?
The motivation is an attempt to revise a troubled or distant relationship with their dad. Often, attraction is fueled by unmet childhood needs from the opposite-sex parent. So if a woman chooses someone reminiscent of her father, her motivation may be to remedy childhood hurts.
The drive to rehabilitate or “save” a wayward man?
Simply put, many women are rescuers. It’s a challenge for them to reform an incorrigible man. These women think, “Sure, he gets into trouble, but I can change him!”
Your ego is involved. It’s inflating when a woman feels like she is the only one who can transform a man.
I’ll mine the archives for a few more like these, and share them with you this week.
John Scott is the Career Services Manager and an instructor at the School of Multimedia Communications, Academy of Art University, San Francisco. His latest book “You. Employed: why winners get jobs” is in the Amazon book store.