FROM THE CHIEF OF COFFEE MAINTENANCE

(This is an inside joke, published here for the amusement of few and the annoyance of many – js)

From: Scott, John (SF)

Sent: Thurs April 5, 2018 12:10pm

To: SF Radio – ALL

Subject: FROM THE CHIEF OF COFFEE MAINTENANCE

 

At the turn of the century,  when the Coffee division was formed, I could not hop on my Twitter to call out our common nemesis –  the soda people, what with their fizzy, sugar poison water and their Big Gulps and what not. Instead of doing a pure play messaging effort to remind all of you of the life-sustaining benefits of a flaming hot cup of iHeart Coffee, I can now distract you by tweeting out anti-soda propaganda, designed to raise suspicion and erode trust in all soda institutions. They’ve tried to have it their way all these years but this will not stand. I  have the power of social media now to deliver a fair and balanced message to you about the truth behind the energy restoring, aromatic elixir we have all come to embrace as  integral  to our efforts at the office.

Please visit our iHeart Coffee Instagram, where you’ll be treated to #nofilter shots of your brave and valiant co-workers, in the trenches, on the streets, napping at their desks, ignoring phone calls and playing Fortnite or Overwatch on their desktops.

Don’t forget to like our iHeart Coffee Pinterest, which features money shots of various types of beans, from raw to roasted.

And of course, on our r/coffee Reddit you’ll see a robust and stirring discussion about the merits of French Roast Against the World.

I’ll be hosting an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Reddit soon. You’ll ask me questions about coffee, creamers and cups and I’ll tell you to shove it.

Please know that maintaining proper inventory of our coffee supplies is part of our customer-first policy. Coffee is everywhere in the building, remember that. We’d never leave you low and dry. We like you high and jittery.  Or you could go ask a soda freak where they hid the beans…right? Please share a picture of them on our iHeart Coffee Facebook confirming my conspiracy theory as they pull a bag of French Roast out of their cubicle drawer, where you’ll also likely find that Tupperware of General Tso’s Chicken –  your lunch – that  they stole from the fridge in the break room earlier this morning. No need to thank me.

Thanks for your support of iHeart Coffee.

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